


Against All Odds

by Genie60



Category: Poldark (TV 2015), Poldark - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Child Death, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Infidelity, Marriage, Pregnancy, S3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-12
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-12-01 03:23:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11477598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Genie60/pseuds/Genie60
Summary: S3/S4 What if?  What if Demelza had a child after her encounter with Hugh Armitage?  What if Ross wasn't sure who the father of the child was?  What if he realized what a fool he'd been the entire time and now could not right the wrongs he'd done?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> From an idea that has been brewing in my head for months and that has been written, just waiting to post. 
> 
> @amandarprescott--not quite a #MakeRossPay fic, but pretty darn close.
> 
> Shout out and thanks to @beatleing for laying the groundwork for Hugh Armitage fics with her work "Do You Still?" Go read it if you can get past the canon divergence plotline. 
> 
> Try it, you might like it......

_How can I just let you walk away_  
Just let you leave without a trace?  
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh ooh  
You're the only one who really knew me at all

_How can you just walk away from me_  
When all I can do is watch you leave?  
'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain  
And even shared the tears  
You're the only one who really knew me at all

_So take a look at me now_  
Well there's just an empty space  
And there's nothing left here to remind me  
Just the memory of your face  
Ooh, take a look at me now  
Well there's just an empty space  
And you coming back to me is against the odds  
And that's what I've got to face

 

Hannah Mary Poldark died on the day that could have been her birthday. The fourth child of Ross and Demelza Poldark arrived almost four weeks prior to her estimated due date, quietly and with little fanfare.  She was frail and petite and like her sister before her came into the family after another breach between their parents.  Unlike her sister, Clowance or even her oldest sister, Julia, Hannah did not have a chance to work her way into her father’s heart. For some unknown reason, Ross did not feel that immediate attachment to his daughter.  He could not put his finger on it but as he stood and watched his wife place flowers on their daughter’s grave, seeing her anguish at the loss of another child, he originally did not share that same bereavement.  It bothered him because he knew that Demelza felt this loss deeply.  When Julia died she was still recovering from her own illness and thus could not be with her by her deathbed or attend her funeral; a memory that haunted Demelza for a long while.

With Hannah, it was Demelza who cared and nursed her, and ultimately, watched her slip away. The cause of her death was nothing as dramatic as the putrid throat or any other plague. She simply was born too soon to be strong enough to survive.  Considering her parents were hardly ever sick, her weak constitution was a surprise to them. However, Dwight was not shocked that she did not last through her first year.  In fact, he was certain she would not live past a few days.  He shared this with Demelza and Ross who took the news in their own way.  She, of course, was pragmatic and vowed to nurture this child to the best of her abilities in the hopes that Dwight was wrong.  To a degree, he was since Hannah lived longer than expected and was a part of their family for a little more than a month.  Ross took his usual approach to such matters and distanced himself from it.  He had not and could not bring himself to let this daughter into his heart, knowing that she might be gone at any instance.  There was another cause for his way of thinking: he was not sure that Hannah was truly his child.

****~~~~****

Approximately four week’s prior-----

Demelza Poldark was working in her garden, trying as best she could to revive some of the greenery that had suffered due to her lack of tending.  She was approximately seven months into this pregnancy and feeling worse than she had during any of her other times.  On the surface, there was nothing different except for the subtle cooling of relations between her and Ross.  What had begun almost a year before with the arrival of a certain Navy lieutenant and the infatuation that sprung from that meeting, still remained even after the sailor’s death.  Hugh Armitage was one of the prisoners Ross had rescued on his mission to free Dwight, bringing the young officer back with him.  He was actually grateful Armitage was with them as his knowledge of the sea most likely saved them all from a watery grave.  If not for Armitage, Ross might not have returned to Demelza.  Ironically, it also made the case that if not for Armitage, he and Demelza might not have been at a crossroads again. 

This time it was not his indiscretion that fractured their marriage, it was hers.  And yet Ross was still unsure to what extent the actual indiscretion went.  He and Demelza had talked at length of her attraction to the lieutenant when it first appeared and as he always did in matters such as this, he relied on her common sense to deal with it.  As time passed, Ross observed that nothing had changed between him and his wife, so he thought that the issue had resolved itself.  It wasn’t until they heard that Hugh was dying that Ross began to have doubts again.  Demelza’s reaction to the news was more than just a passing interest. Her thoughts clearly were on the lieutenant and his fate and Ross had no idea how to counter that.  So he did nothing.  Not until he found a poem written by Armitage did he wonder if Demelza had been unfaithful but he could not come out and ask her.  He decided to deal with this just as they did the incident with Elizabeth: avoidance.  Ross wasn’t sure he wanted to know the truth or if he did, how he would handle it.  He was not like Demelza who could work through the hurt towards a resolution that would allow them to go on. So he left it alone until it could not be avoided any longer; she did the same.

 When Demelza told him she was with child again, it was shortly after Hugh had died.  She had no idea that Ross had found any alleged evidence of her infidelity so was taken aback by his lack of joy at the news of this new child.  Their own relationship had continued at a steady pace during the time Hugh was in their lives and so Demelza had no cause to believe that this child was not Ross’s. In fact, she knew, when she succumbed to Hugh on the beach that one and only time, that she most likely was already with child but put it out of her head. At the time, she was lost in the moment of being loved and adored by someone who made it clear he valued and respected her.  Something that Ross was often lax about.  Demelza knew that Ross loved her and she him; that was never in doubt. What she did not know was if she was important to him.  Did he want her as a person in his life and not just his wife and bedmate?  Over the course of the years that passed since their first reconciliation, they had ebbed and flowed in this.  At times he would seek her out for her wisdom, guidance and common sense.  Then he would pull away, thinking that what he had to do was no concern of hers and the fears would set in. 

The culmination of those uncertainties came with the news that Ross had been seen with Elizabeth in a rather compromising situation.  She had hoped it was nothing and when he finally revealed the truth, it was nothing. However, at the time of the incident, Demelza was certain he was reverting back to his obsessive need to be close to Elizabeth. That turned out to be the catalyst which led to a day with Hugh where she was not Mrs. Ross Poldark, wife of a country squire. She was just Demelza; young, free and on the receiving end of being loved.  When the day was over, she became the loving wife and mother again, as if nothing had passed.  In her heart, nothing had changed.  She loved Ross possibly more than before.  She loved Hugh also just as before—no more, no less. Simply as a sad young man who touched her heart and made her feel special.  Sharing the love she had with him, compounded the love she had for her husband.  The fact that she was with child was a clear manifestation of that. 

There was only one fleeting moment after she confirmed she was with child that she dreadfully thought that Hugh might be the father.  Dwight allayed those fears after examining and speaking with her; he confirmed that conception happened before her day on the beach.  Not that she told him the details of that day or anything else pertaining to Hugh Armitage. That would be the ultimate rub to Ross. This was despite the fact that Demelza was sure that Dwight had come to some sort of conclusions regarding Ross, Elizabeth, and Valentine yet said nothing.  Also, Dwight had been closer to them than before since his rescue so he could have observed Hugh’s attentions to her.  Demelza knew Dwight was not blind to such things and might draw his own conclusions as to why she was asking these questions. But she would not subject Ross to that type of gossip even if Dwight was their best friend.  Yet, regardless of this reassurance and the other information Dwight shared about Hugh, Demelza didn’t think it stopped Ross from believing otherwise. While he did not say anything, Demelza could feel the difference in his attitude towards her and the child. He spent more time with Jeremy and Clowance, giving them affections he had held back before due to work or adventures.  It was not that Ross was unloving or mean to her; it was more a sort of inability to form a connection with this child and in doing so, losing a connection with Demelza.  It hurt her because she understood the pain he must be going through having experienced it herself regarding the drama of Valentine’s parentage.  They silently acknowledged they could not speak of these fears.  They must remain unspoken.

As she tilled the soil, she felt a twinge in her side but ignored it. These pains had been coming and going throughout her pregnancy which Demelza attributed to work and fatigue.  She never thought that something might go amiss with this child. Nor did she tell anyone about them because it seemed that this child was hers and hers alone.  Ross focused on their other offspring while she was left to care for herself and this new addition.  It was then, that she surmised what the problem was. Unfortunately, she had no way to counter the situation. Demelza knew her husband and his thought process.  While she might swear that he had fathered this child, and he would believe it, something else would tell him otherwise.  It’s why they both believed deep down, that the Warleggan heir was most likely born of this household.  Again, they were at the mercy of the child’s mother who stated, truthfully or not, that she was unsure herself.  Demelza, however, was certain about her child and she needed Ross to be certain as well.  She was not going to go through the rest of this pregnancy or the raising of their son or daughter with another shadow hanging around them. 

As she worked down the rows of battered seedlings,  she decided that this could not go on any longer and she was going to clear this up with Ross today.  After supper when the children were bathed and bedded, she would sit him down and once and for all, settle matters concerning their marriage and future.  Feeling a bit of the burden lifting from her shoulders, Demelza finished what she was doing and went to pick up the hoe when a cramp ran through her.  She bent over in pain, clutching her abdomen, trying to catch her breath. 

“It can’t be,” she whispered to herself. “Tis too early.” 

Struggling to stand upright, the ache eased and she let out a sigh.  She hoped it was just a cramp from working in the garden.  Perhaps a muscle pull and nothing more.  Ignoring any discomfort Demelza gathering her tools and walked slowly into the house.  Placing the basket on the table she closed her eyes as another ache, this one not as strong came upon her.  She sat down at the table, held her head in her hands and sobbed.  Where the tears came from, she did not know. All she knew was that she needed to release them. To let go of every feeling and emotion that she had held inside since Hugh Armitage entered their lives.  Not her life, their life.  For all the beauty and poetry he graced her with, he left behind an aura darker than any shadow created by Ross and Elizabeth.  For he was that of a young man, gone too soon, and who, in his brief time, left a mark on their souls.  On top of that, this child that grew within her womb, which she knew to be a product of the love between Ross and her, brought with it another element of that aura; the unfinished business of Hugh Armitage. Since her husband did not have a chance to fight the man while living, now he would fight a war within himself about an innocent babe.  Demelza feared this would fester all because he would not speak to her about his feelings when they should have.  It was their biggest combined flaw which caused many mistakes and miscommunications yet they never seemed to learn from it.

She was still sitting at the table, gathering herself together, when she heard scampering feet followed by the steady step of her husband.

“Mama!” Jeremy cried. “Look what I found on the beach.” 

He held out a handful of tiny seashells for her to examine.  Lifting her head, she tried to wipe her eyes before they could see she was upset but failed.  Ross walked in, carrying Clowance when he saw his wife at the table. He could tell that something was wrong more than just the usual condition of pregnancy.

“Demelza?”

She looked at her husband as he put Clowance down and wondered if they would ever be alright again. Would he carry and coo over this new child at all?  Clowance toddled over to her holding her arms up for Demelza to lift her. As she moved to do that, another pain hit. This time she couldn’t hide it, letting out a cry.

“Judas!” she yelled, grabbing her side, fresh tears flowing down her cheeks.  “Oh Lord, Ross!”

He ran to her side and gathered her in his arms, cradling her against his chest.

“Demelza? What’s happening?”

“I don’t know.  Something’s wrong.  It’s too soon, Ross.  It’s too soon,” she said as she fainted into his arms. 

Ross looked at his inert wife and panicked. The children were still standing around the table, now joining the fray with wails of their own. 

“Prudie!” he shouted as he picked Demelza up to carry her to their bedroom.

The robust servant came running, almost colliding with him as he passed through the doorway on his way upstairs.

“Take care of the children and send for Dwight.  Now!”

“What’s ‘appened to the maid?” she asked.   

“I don’t know. What’s she been doing all day?” Ross asked as he took the steps two at a time.

“Nothing different than any other day.  She ain’t said nothing about not feeling well,” Prudie said from the bottom of the stairs. 

She scooped up Jeremy and Clowance to take them to Demelza’s brothers so that one of them could ride to Killewarren and fetch the doctor.  As she walked to the cottages, Prudie couldn’t help but notice how pale the mistress was.  It was no wonder she passed out with all the stress she’d been through thanks to the Captain. Again.  She didn’t know what had happened between them but she knew that he had to have done something to upset the maid.  Knocking on the door, Drake answered and Prudie quickly told him what had happened.  The young boy flew to get Dr. Enys, silently praying for his sister the whole way.

****~~~~****

Hannah Mary Poldark was born just after midnight on January 15th, 1797.  Dwight arrived just as Demelza’s pains had reached their peak, the intensity of them stronger than usual because of the premature start of labor.  The baby was small and not in a position, which made for a stressful birth for both mother and child, adding to the tension in the room.  The silence upon her arrival sent a feeling of dread through Demelza as she was sure the child was stillborn.  After a few minutes of vigorous treatment by Dwight, the tiny little girl let out a cry that sounded like a kitten’s mew.  It was then that Demelza could relax back against the pillows, closing her eyes in relief.  Prudie cleaned up her mistress and changed the sheets while Dwight finished working on the baby.  For her part, Demelza lay still, giving thanks for the arrival of her daughter and praying that her presence would reach Ross and make him see that she was his.

Downstairs, Ross was doing much the same thing.  As he thought of his son and daughter asleep in their beds, he prayed for his wife’s deliverance with this child.  He also prayed for the inner strength to find the same love he felt for Jeremy and Clowance for this new child.  Throughout the past months, he has searched his soul as to why he had these thoughts.  There was no evidence that a betrayal had been committed except for a vague poem, yet something inside told him that his wife was hiding something.  Ross wasn’t sure if he was upset about the act itself or the fact that a child might have resulted from that.  And in truth, did he have any right to hold either of those incidents against her?  He knew he did not.  So why was it so hard for him to forgive her when she, who had born the brunt of his seeming never-ending obsession, was able to put his betrayal away and move on?  She loved him no less afterward even though the scars of his actions would be around forever namely in the form of another child; a child that she had been willing to accept if he asked.  Yet he couldn’t do the same for her?  He really was a selfish bastard. 

Now the love of his life was fighting to deliver another child into the world and he was sitting here, drinking, wondering if that child was his.  Did it matter?  The child would be Demelza’s and that should be enough.  He loved her and all that came with her.  Unfortunately for him, it did matter because this child would always be a reminder of a young man, who fell in love with Demelza, seduced her and who died before Ross could fight him for his wife.  Then he could say he won fairly, send Hugh on his way, leaving he and Demelza to rebuild their lives again.  The death of the naval lieutenant robbed Ross of that, so now, the unknown cast a shadow over them.   He stood up and paced the room, running his hands through his hair as he went to pour another drink. It occurred to him as he gulped down the liquid that he hadn’t heard any sound coming from upstairs.  With the births of his other children, there were various shouts, cries, and yells. Tonight the silence was deafening. Ross wanted to go up and see what was happening and made a conscious effort to move towards the door when Dwight appeared.

“Is she alright?  I didn’t hear anything.  The baby?  Is the baby…?” Ross asked.  He was scared, truly scared that he’d lost her.

Dwight came in and went straight to pour himself a drink. Ross saw that he looked drained. 

“Dwight?”

“She’s fine Ross.  The birth was harder than normal because she was early but overall I think she will be fine after a long confinement. Demelza is not to do any physical labor until I say so.  She lost a bit of blood so she will need to build up her strength. And she needs as little stress as possible,” Dwight informed him.

The doctor’s tone was firm so Ross knew that this was serious.  He heard what he needed to do but what he hadn’t heard was anything about the baby. 

“And the baby?” Ross asked.

“You have another daughter, Ross.” 

Dwight watched his friend and was surprised when there was no reaction either of happiness or relief.  Ross just stared at Dwight, no real emotion running through him.

“She’s small which is natural considering she’s about a six weeks early and her lungs are a little underdeveloped but I think with constant care, she will be fine.  Of course, there is always a concern with premature births for both mother and child but considering how strong Demelza is, I think she will recover just fine,” Dwight assured.

 “Go up and see her now Ross.  She needs you,” Dwight added since he didn’t see Ross making any movement towards doing that.

Ross nodded in understanding.  So they had another daughter.  But did they?  He walked slowly past his friend to make his way to their bedroom.  He paused outside the door not sure how he would react to the scene on the other side.  His need to see Demelza outweighed the doubts he harbored and so he pushed it open, entering the room quietly.  Prudie was just gathering the linen for the wash when she saw him enter. 

“Now don’t be upsetting the maid.  She had a hard time birthin’ that babe and she don't need any nonsense from you,” Prudie scolded.

“I think I can handle my own wife, Prudie.  Go see if Dwight needs anything. Oh and check on Jeremy and Clowance as well,” Ross said.

With a huff,  the servant left.  Ross turned to the bed and saw Demelza sitting up with the baby in her arms. He had to look twice as the bundle seemed so small. 

“Ross.  I’m sorry I caused so much worry,” Demelza started to say. 

Ross went to the bed and sat down opposite her, his hand on her knee.  Unlike the other times she had given birth when he crawled into bed behind her to be as close to her and their child as possible, Ross felt compelled to keep a bit of distance for the time being. His immediate thought was to ask her if the child was his but he choked on the words.  Despite her ordeal, Demelza looked beautiful, Ross thought.  He saw how serene her countenance was, almost peaceful as she gazed at the child. It was a case of déjà vu that he’d hoped to put aside.  Years before, when Elizabeth went into what was cataloged as ‘early labor’ as well, Ross knew that Demelza’s instinct told her that was not the case.  Now he was having the same thoughts.  Over the past year, he knew that Hugh’s attentions towards Demelza were infrequent.  Their interactions happened at parties where others were around or, as he found out, through letters and poems.  He never saw that Demelza reciprocated those feelings through written word but everything was in doubt now.  Ross also knew that the only time Demelza and Hugh were alone for any period of time was the day she took him to see the seals.  Was that the day she forgot their vows?  He turned his head towards the window as these visions permeated his mind, removing him from the present.

 Demelza saw his reticence and distance which made her heart ache. She said nothing but smiled at him, reaching a hand out to touch him, bringing him back to her.  She then looked down at her new daughter.  The child was so small she felt like her arms were empty.  She had hardly any hair but what was there seemed to be dark.  Demelza was silently pleased as it was a sign that she had inherited Ross’s coloring.  Her eyes, however, appeared blue but that was usual with newborns.  They would have to wait until she was a few months old to see if they changed color at all.   

“Ross?  Come see your daughter.  I thought to name her Hannah Mary,” Demelza said quietly.

Ross glanced up at his wife, the sound of her gentle voice reaching his soul.  He moved up the bed to sit beside her, his hand reaching for the baby. Demelza pulled back the blanket so that he could see her face.  The child slept peacefully, she features those of her mother.

“She’s so small, Demelza,” he said.

Turning her head towards his, she grinned.

“Yes, Ross. That’s to be expected since she wasn’t supposed to make her entrance for another month or so.  I’m afraid that it’s my fault,” Demelza replied.

“What is your fault?” Ross asked.  He wondered if this was going to lead to the discussion they’d both been avoiding.

“Her coming early.  I shouldn’t have been working in the garden. Perhaps if I just left things alone, she’d not come so soon.  Now if she becomes ill or worse, I’ll have only myself to blame,” she responded tears clearly in her voice.

Ross saw his wife’s dilemma and knew he should allay her fears but something held him back. Why was he finding it so hard to give Demelza the love and support she deserved?  He still loved her.  He would always love her.  That he knew in his heart. It was this uncertainty about her that set an invisible barrier between them.  And she didn’t even know it.  Or did she?  Ross knew his wife’s intuitive personality was strong and over the months she must have felt the change in him.  Now they were faced with the reality that some else might have infiltrated their marriage and he was at a loss.  Again, he was relying on Demelza to lead the way.

He put his own emotions aside regarding Hugh and slipped his arm around his wife.  She seemed so slight against his chest as if she were still a child herself.  Instinctively he kissed her head and caressed her arm.

“Don’t worry my love.  With your mothering, Hannah will thrive,” Ross assured her.

“I hope so Ross.  ’Tis just that I…” she paused before finishing the thought because something else distracted her. 

Demelza was worried because the baby still had not looked to nurse which all her other children did as soon as possible.  Fretting that her daughter needed nourishment and was too weak to find it on her own, Demelza brushed a finger to the child’s cheek in an attempt to see if she would respond.  It took a couple of tries but finally, she opened her mouth, and like a baby bird, searched for her mother.  Forgetting Ross and the conversation she wanted to have with him, Demelza opened her shift and led the little girl to her breast.  She seemed to have a hard time rooting on to suckle. Also because of her early arrival, Demelza’s milk still hadn’t come in. The child was struggling to get any kind of sustenance from Demelza’s body, which now turned into cries of frustration.  Demelza’s feeling of guilt at putting her child in danger added to the tense situation.

“Ross, she’s not taking to my breast.  She has to eat. This has never happened before. What am I to do?” she cried. 

“Dwight is still here.  Let me fetch him.  Perhaps he can help.  If not, we might need to find a wet nurse,” he suggested.

“No! I don’t want anyone else caring for Hannah,” she stated.

“Demelza,” he tried to reason.

“Just get Dwight and I’ll keep trying to feed her.  She might just be tired.”

Ross rose and went to find his friend.  He stopped at the door to look at Demelza and the baby, hoping that the immediate love he felt for his other children would come.  It didn’t.  Leaving the scene, he descended the stairs where he found Dwight in the parlor, resting his head against a chair.

“Dwight, can you come, please?  Demelza is having a hard time feeding the child and is worried something else is wrong,” Ross said.

 He spoke hurriedly and didn’t stand still long enough to wait for a reply. 

“Yes of course.  These things are not uncommon in situations such as this,  but I’ll see what I can do.”

The men walked back to the bedroom to find Demelza in tears but the baby seeming to nurse.  Dwight walked slowly to the bed, not wanting to startle mother or child but also because he felt a little embarrassed intruding on such a personal scene.

“Demelza?” he called.  “Is everything alright?” 

He stood at the foot of the bed and noticed that Ross stayed back at the door.  There was something going on with his friend but he could not figure out what it was.  It was as if he was unhappy with the birth of another child.  Demelza looked up from watching her daughter and gave Dwight a small smile.

“Yes.  It seems to be so now.  But Dwight, I don’t think I’m strong enough to feed her as often as she is going to need. And I don’t want to use a wet nurse.  What else can we do?”

Dwight looked from his patient to his friend as he devised some kind of solution for them.

“You’re right.  You need as much rest as the child and so getting up ever few hours to feed her will work against your getting well.  If you are adamant about not using a wet nurse, then I do have another idea,” Dwight said.

Demelza’s eyes widened as Ross came to join the discussion.

“What is it?” she asked.

“You do have farm animals, cows, and goats.  Supplement your nursing with their milk.  You could soak a rag and have the baby suckle that. This way anyone can feed her while you rest. And save the nursing for when you are awake.”

Ross looked at his friend as if he’d lost his mind but saw Demelza had immediately taken to the idea.

“Dwight you’re a genius,” Demelza said. She then turned to Ross and added,” What would we do without Dwight?”

“I don’t know my love.  He always seems to come to the rescue,” Ross said.

“I think that goes both ways,” Dwight said. 

“Well, then we will do as Dwight says.  I’ll have Prudie find fresh linens that we can use as feeding rags. She can help with feeding the baby as well,” Ross proposed. 

Ross stood next to Demelza when she took his hand in hers and brought it to her cheek.

“You too Ross,“ Dwight suggested.

“Me?”

“Why of course. You want Demelza to regain her strength, don’t you?  There’s no reason why you can’t feed your daughter as well.  It’s called parent participation.”

Dwight enjoyed teasing his best friend but he always had an ulterior motive for this suggestion. It might just bring Ross out of his self-induced isolation and back to Demelza and their child.  He then looked at Demelza and smiled.  This had been a long pregnancy for her filled with an underlying tone of sadness.   Dwight had only attended her during Jeremy but even then, with all the things that she and Ross were going through financially, she was happy, joyful about the new arrival. This time something was different but he didn’t know exactly what that might be.  He wondered if it had anything to do with when she had first come to him to confirm her suspicions about being with child. At the time she offered more information and asked for more explanation than normal for this situation.  It was as if she was unsure of something.   Dwight didn’t think any more of it, putting it down to Demelza feeling that she was getting older and that having a child at this age---which was still extremely young—might be throwing her body off.  There was also the fact that Ross was away more adding to her responsibilities around the estate and mine. She might have thought that added to an irregular cycle.  He eased her fears and told her that she was in peak health and that if she had relayed her dates correctly the baby would be due the end of February putting conception at the end of May.  Of course, this is the one part of medical science that is not always precise but where Demelza was concerned she was as regular as the moon and knew her body better than anyone else.  Now as he thought back to their conversations during the past months he was beginning to see what might have been bothering her and in turn, Ross.

However, it was not Dwight’s place to interfere in his friend's personal lives unless asked.  For his records, Demelza Poldark delivered a female child, January 15th, approximately four weeks before her due date of February 10th or thereabouts.

“Well, it seems we’ve settled all this for now.  I’ll leave you alone and I’ll fill out the birth record for you.  Have you chosen a name?” he asked.

“Demelza has.  Hannah Mary Poldark,” Ross answered.

“That’s lovely,” Dwight said.  “I would suggest one thing and please don’t take this in the wrong way but once Demelza is a little stronger I would suggest having the baby baptized.”

Demelza looked up at Ross and back to Dwight. She knew what he meant and again felt a little heartsick.  There was still a possibility that this child would not survive. Ross understood his thought process as well and hadn’t considered that they would lose another child.  _They_ would lose, he said again. For if something did happen to this child, they would experience it together.  Maybe not as keenly as the loss of Julia, but still together.

“Ross? Dwight is right. We must make arrangements as soon as possible,” she said, her gaze focused on her now sleeping daughter.

“Demelza I think the first order of business is getting you well and then we can have a christening,” Ross said simply. 

“But Ross if anything should happen…”

“My love, nothing will happen,” he replied.

Dwight felt the need to step in.

“Ross, there is always a possibility that something could happen. Remember, the child is normal and fine overall, but she is still underdeveloped in some aspects so we must be prepared.  Just in case,” Dwight said cautiously.

Ross saw the concern on Dwight’s face that Demelza did not see.  His friend seemed to feel that it was a real possibility that this child might not live, no matter how much love and care she got. What he found disconcerting was that he was not that upset but he couldn’t let Demelza see it.

“I’ll go to Rev. Odgers in the morning and make arrangements.  If anything, he can come here and baptize her,” he said.  Then he moved to Demelza.  “Have no worries my love.  Everything will be fine.”

Satisfied that his work here was done, Dwight left unnoticed by Ross or Demelza.  He hoped that he was wrong about the situation with Hannah and prayed that she and parents were strong enough to deal with whatever might come.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuation of life after the birth of Hannah. Revelations, regrets, and reconciliation.....

Demelza and Hannah seemed to do well for the first week or so after the birth.  The use of a milky rag aided in the feeding of the baby and even Ross saw fit to help in this area.  A few times during the night he would let Demelza sleep and he would get up to feed Hannah.  As he held her during these times, he seemed to search her face for some sort of solid confirmation that she was his daughter.  As the days passed she seemed to change, her features a blend of her mother, with light eyes and a bright smile and, he had to admit, him.  The dark hair stayed and seemed to start to take on a thickness that resembled his. Yet his heart still didn’t say that she was his child but he wondered if it was his mind overtaking his heart.  For in truth, he saw no trace of Hugh Armitage in this child’s face.  When she looked at him, with her mother’s eyes, all Ross saw was Demelza.  That should be enough and he vowed to try and let this shadow fade. That all changed when Hannah was just over a month old.

Demelza by this time was almost back to her old self which was a blessing and eased Ross’s mind.  She was up and about doing small chores around the house, spending more time with Jeremy and Clowance and their lessons and of course, tending Hannah.  Ross had forbidden her from doing any farm work at all, which she bristled at but did not fight.  The center of her attention was her family, specifically the children.  Ross was stunned, however, that she did not hover over Hannah as he expected,  knowing that she was still frail.  She seemed to live by the notion that all was well and that whatever fate would hand them they would deal with.  Demelza loved her no more than their other children and the issue that lingered in the background was left there.  It seemed there was no need to discuss anything related to Hugh Armitage or is the impact on their lives.  That changed one gray February day.

Hannah was in her cradle in the parlor, lying contently and cooing softly. She still didn’t have the strength to cry with the usual gusto a baby her age would but still, she made her presence known.  Demelza was at the table helping Jeremy with his numbers when she realized that the cradle seemed unusually still.  At first, she thought nothing of it, but then a sinking feeling washed over her.  Something was amiss. She ran to the small bed and saw her daughter seemingly asleep but when Demelza picked her up her head lolled to one side and her body fell limp. 

“Ross! Prudie!” she yelled. 

She shook the child and held her to her breast hoping the contact with her skin would warm her.  There was nothing.  She collapsed on the floor cradling her daughter, murmuring under breath, “no, no, no.”

“ROSS!” she screamed this time, sending Jeremy flying out of the room in fear. 

Ross came running in with Prudie at his heels, Jeremy in her arms.

“Demelza? What is it?” he said as he came up beside her and fell to his knees next to her.

“Oh, Ross.  Something’s wrong.  Our daughter, Ross,” she cried, leaning into him for some sort of support. “Not again.”

“Prudie, send for Dwight!” he ordered.

Ross took the child from her arms and tried to revive her.  He had watched Dwight that day of the mining accident when he rubbed fallen miners chests to stimulate them. He thought that might work on Hannah as well. He gently held her in one arm, while making circular motions with his fist on her chest.  The child just laid there.  Demelza was weeping next to him, watching as he tried to save their daughter but knew in her heart it was not to be.  She was gone. 

Her tears subsided as she rose to her knees and took the lifeless body of her child out of his arms. Ross sat there, staring, unsure what to do.  _Another daughter gone_ , he thought.  _How will Demelza cope?  How will I?_ Presently he heard her speaking to the little girl.

“Oh, my precious.  I hope this means that heaven needed another angel for I surely do not want to part with you otherwise.  I’ve not had you long enough but I hope I was a good mother while you were with us.  Papa and I will miss you,” she said, her sobs easing as her voice became stronger. She rocked the baby in her arms, humming a familiar tune that Ross had heard for years.  She had sung it to all the children at one time or another.  It was the song she was singing when he fell in love with her.  Now she was singing it as a dirge for their lost child.  Ross moved to sit next to her when Dwight ran in.

“Demelza! Give me the child!” he commanded.   He bent down and practically tore the child from Demelza’s arms as Ross held her.  She wept softly into his shirt.

“Ssh my love, let Dwight do what he can,” Ross said into her ear as he rocked her trying to calm her down. He knew it was no use.

Dwight took the baby to the table and tried to blow air into her lungs to revive her.  It appeared as if he were abusing the child as he turned her over, rubbed her back, and slapped her between the shoulders. He was doing anything he could to get the child to come back.  After few minutes, he put Hannah down and wrapped her back in the blanket.  Dwight walked her back to her cradle and placed her down gently.

“I’m so sorry,” he said, his voice cracking.  “There was nothing I could do.  Her lungs were just too weak despite all we’ve done.”

Demelza let out another cry and this time Ross joined her.  Dwight could do nothing but watch and sympathize for his friends.  He left them alone to grieve and went off to find Prudie so he could tell her what had happened.  He found her upstairs with the children and broke the news.  The older woman cried as did Dwight now that he was out of earshot of Ross and Demelza. In the parlor, the parents held on to each other just as they had done almost seven years prior when Julia had died.

“My love,” Ross said hoping to get Demelza’s attention. “Demelza?  Please, my love, it will be alright.  I promise it will be alright.” 

Ross tried to sound strong but he was far from it.  Not only was he hurting for Demelza and the loss of a child, he was also sad for the fact that this innocent being left this world without a father’s true love.  And that was his guilt to bear.  How could he help Demelza through her mourning when he wasn’t sure he deserved to do so?  He had to tell her what had been on his mind and but was now the time? He should have done it months ago.  She was already upset but he couldn’t go on without telling her.  First, he would talk to Dwight about possibly giving Demelza something to calm her nerves before they talked but also to get her through the next few days. 

“Demelza?  Come here and sit down my love.  I’ll get you a port and then find Dwight so we can…” he didn’t finish the sentence. “I’ll just go find Dwight.”

She nodded absently as he led her to the seat.  One she seemed settled, he handed her a glass and left to find Dwight.   Bounding up the stairs, he saw him in Jeremy’s room, sitting with the child on his bed. His son was crying.  He hoped it wasn’t because Dwight told him of his sister’s death. The children were too young, he thought, to understand what happened.

“Dwight,” Ross called as he entered the room. He walked to his son’s bed and sat down as the boy threw himself into his arms.

“Papa, Uncle Dwight said Hannah had to leave.  Why?  Was it because I was naughty to her?” the little boy said between sobs.

“No, my boy.  You did nothing.  Your sister was just too small that’s all. She wasn’t strong like you or Clowance.  So the angels took her to be with them.”

Ross tried to explain in terms that his son would understand but he wasn’t sure this was working.  That was until Jeremy’s sob turned to sniffles.

“You must be brave for Mama. Can you do that?” Ross asked.

The child nodded. “Yes Papa,” he said.

Jeremy crawled out his father’s lap and back under the covers as Ross turned to Dwight who gave him a reassuring smile. Ross tucked his son in and gave him a kiss on the head.

“Prudie, stay with Jeremy until he falls asleep. Call us if you need us.”

“Yes Cap’n,” she said weakly.

 The enormity of what had happened hit the older woman hard. She had come to love the kitchen maid as if she were her own daughter so to see her go through this kind of pain, again, was almost too much.

With that Ross got up and joined Dwight in the doorway.  He thought now was the time to talk about what had been bothering him and whether he should broach the subject with Demelza.  For the first time, Ross was ready to confront a difficult issue and put it to rest.  He just hoped that he wasn’t about to make a complete and utter fool of himself but he knew that Demelza was more important than his pride. 

“Dwight, I need to talk to you about something.  Privately. Without Demelza.  Can you come with me?”

“Of course,” Dwight replied.

Ross led him down the hall to his and Demelza’s room and shut the door.  Ross saw the cradle in the room and his heart broke a little more. He would have to remove it before Demelza saw it and made a mental note to do so.  He stood by the window looking out at his estate, seeing his mine in the distance trying to decide how he was going to open the conversation.

“Ross, what is going on? Clearly, something has been troubling you.”

Dwight saved him the trouble by starting the dialogue himself. Turning around Ross stared at his friend as he looked for the right words.

“What makes you say that?” 

“I’ve known you a long time and I can see that you are not yourself. And it is nothing to do with Hannah’s death.”

Ross couldn’t deny it any longer.  The strain of these thoughts was becoming too much and the truth could be no worse than that.

“Yes and no. It is to do with Hannah but not her death.  Something has been plaguing me but until today I didn’t know how to talk about it.”

Dwight said nothing but took a seat on the end of the bed and waited for Ross to explain.

“You can trust me with anything Ross.  It’s clear that something’s been weighing on you for a while. Demelza was worried about something as well but I was able to relieve her of any concerns months ago.  I have a feeling what you are worried about is the same thing.”

Again Ross looked at his friend and wondered how he could be so astute.  Perhaps it was that they knew each other for so long or worse, he heard rumors.

“And what would that be?” Ross asked, nervous for the answer

“Hannah,” Dwight said simply.

“What about Hannah?”

“Do you want me to say it?  Alright. You’re worried that Hannah is -–or was---not your child.  Isn’t that right?”

Now Ross needed to sit down and he did so at Demelza’s vanity, grabbing hold of the chair.

“Yes.” 

The response was so low Dwight wasn’t sure he heard correctly. It was as he thought.  Ross had the same doubt as Demelza but not the courage to discuss it with her. 

“I see.  And I gather you have not said anything to Demelza about this have you?”

Dwight’s tone was not as sympathetic as Ross hoped but then again should he expect any sympathy? He was sure that his friend had a notion about what had transpired years ago between him and Elizabeth but propriety and friendship stopped him from sharing those thoughts.  Ross was glad about that. Now when the indiscretion was Demelza’s, Dwight was again tactful in his handling of it but it was clear from his questions that he knew about this for a long time.  Had Demelza told him something?

“Dwight why would you ask me that question? What has Demelza told you about Hannah?” Ross said.  His mood shifted from feeling sorry for himself to anger if it turned out that Demelza had confided in Dwight and not him.

“I’m a physician Ross. I can’t divulge what I discuss with a patient. Suffice it to say that Demelza was uneasy about the due date of the child but I put that down to typical motherly concerns.

Ross accepted Dwight’s explanation because it made total sense. But what he needed to know was why Hannah was born so soon. Was it just stress?  Was something wrong with Demelza that he should know about?  Or was it something else? Ross could not believe he was thinking these things about the woman he’s loved for so long.  Lately, however, he wasn’t sure he even knew that woman considering her behavior around Hugh Armitage.  So he began to think that anything was possible. 

“Dwight? Can you at least tell me why you think Hannah was born early?  Or was she?  Demelza thought she was to be born in February. Was that the case?”

Ross was insistent now that Dwight gives him some answers. 

“Ross, haven’t you spoken to Demelza at all about this pregnancy?”

“I couldn’t talk to her about this,” Ross admitted.

“Why not? She’s your wife and the mother of your child.  After all you’ve been through you would go through this alone? “

Dwight was now the one angered as he rose and walked around the room.  He had often admired Ross and owed him his own life, but this was a side of his friend he didn’t like.  In fact, he wanted to knock some sense into him for even having thoughts as these.

Ross watched as his friend circled the room to come back and stand in front of him.  The doctor looked down at him and Ross saw that he was simmering with fury.  He stood to face him.

“Dwight, please! Just tell me,” Ross pleaded.

Not feeling any sympathy for Ross, Dwight told him the truth as he knew it. 

“Hannah was your child, Ross.  Demelza was right in thinking that she should have been born the first week of February as we calculated her conception around the later part of May.”

Dwight let that sink in and he could see Ross’s mind spinning going back almost nine months to last spring.  He remembered that they were happy then without any thought of the past, Hugh Armitage or anything else.  It was just them.  He, Demelza, Jeremy, and Clowance,  building a family and a home. In those days they had shared their bodies nightly, giving and taking of each other; the connection between them stronger than before. Or so he thought.  At the time he felt a warmth from Demelza that was deeper than ever.  Not since their first reconciliation after his night with Elizabeth had the bond between them been as passionate and genuine.  He put it down to them finally getting past what had happened and moving into their future.  Ross didn’t equate that with anything having to do with her friendship with Hugh Armitage.  Now to think that their daughter was conceived during this time of renewed love and faith and that her premature birth was just that, a twist of fate, nothing more, made his heart sink.

“Dwight, you’re sure?” Ross said. 

The realization of what was the truth and what he’d done felt as if someone had kicked him in the stomach.  His hands felt clammy and he started to shake, his body reacting to the news while his mind sorted through it.

“Yes, Ross.  Are you telling me you’ve been acting like an ass because you thought Demelza had…”

Dwight couldn’t finish the sentence. Of course, he knew that something occurred between Demelza and Armitage.  He had been around to see the growing closeness between Demelza and the lieutenant so when Demelza asked questions about the dates, he put the two together.  Besides, Caroline had hinted as something as well, but he knew that the lieutenant fathering Demelza’s child was out of the question.

“You’re a fool, Ross!”

Ross lifted his head at this comment and just stared at his friend.

“What do mean? Didn’t I have cause to think it? Didn’t Demelza tell you what happened when she came to you with concerns about her condition? So why are you acting surprised that I should question the legitimacy of the child?”

“Because if you hadn’t been so stubborn and actually spoke to your wife about your fears about what might have transpired between her and the lieutenant she would have told you what I told her,” Dwight said.

Now Ross’s eyes widened. It was clear Dwight had some other information about the situation that he was holding back.

“Why? What could Demelza tell me?”

“She’d tell you that Hugh Armitage was incapable of fathering children.  The illness he came home from France with was a virus that left lingering effects.  He was not able to have children Ross.  There was no possibility, no matter what he and Demelza might have shared, for him to be Hannah’s father.  She was your child.”

Ross said nothing. There was nothing to say.  He could not go to Demelza now or perhaps ever.  He would have to live with the guilt of what he hadn’t done over the course of the past year.  And that was to love his wife and child, without reservation or question.  The tears fell silently.  Dwight did the only thing he could think of and that was put his arm around his friend and let him mourn.

****~~~~****

Hannah Mary Poldark was buried in the same churchyard as her sister and ancestors.  Another Poldark headstone would go up for another Poldark taken too soon.  Ross watched as the congregants left to go back to the house, thanking them as they passed. Dwight, Caroline, and Prudie were at Nampara to prepare things leaving him and Demelza alone to say a final goodbye to their daughter.  Ross stood a few steps away from his wife as she laid sprigs of holly on the fresh mound of soil.  His heart ached for the child he lost and for his wife.  She had been unusually quiet in the days following Hannah’s death. Ross had expected her to be somber but this was something more.  As they made the arrangements with the church, she offered no opinion on the services or what should follow.  She let Ross make the decisions with Caroline’s help.  Demelza focused on her other children and the household. At night, when Ross tried to talk to her in bed, their usual place to discuss family matters, she turned her back to him.  He knew that she was not sleeping as he felt the bed shake with the force of her weeping.  He reached for her during these nights and she let him wrap his arm around her, but gave no other sense that she wanted more.  Ross knew that her body was still recovering from Hannah’s birth as well, yet not even a good night kiss was shared between them.  He attributed that to general mourning and the feeling of loss.  Little did he know that his wife was well aware of the thoughts that plagued him about their daughter.  The conversation he had wanted to have with her forgotten.  Until this moment.

“Did you really think Hannah was not your child?”

The question came as Demelza rose from kneeling at the grave.  Her voice was quiet but strong.  She kept her back to him, her eyes looking down at the cold ground where the tiny coffin was buried. Ross was unprepared for having this discussion at all, let alone today. As Demelza turned around to face him he saw that she _was_ ready.  Her blue eyes were cold, void of any brightness they normally reflected.  The appeared to be challenging him and knowing his wife as he did, he knew she would not retreat until this was settled.  While he hated to do it now, perhaps now was as good a time as any. Perhaps they could bury all of the past with their daughter.

“Didn’t you?”  Ross paused.  “Dwight told me you were unsure yourself at first.”

“You’re right, I was. My heart told me that the child I was carrying was ours.  Dwight just confirmed that.  The truth is Ross, that I could never keep a secret like that from you. No matter the consequences,” she said.

Demelza didn’t move from her place next to the grave. She clutched her cloak closer to her body and waited for Ross to speak.

“Really Demelza?  Have you been honest with me about your infatuation with Hugh Armitage?”

She didn’t flinch or seem intimidated by his question. Demelza knew this was building for a long time. She thought with Hugh’s death that the questions, doubts, and insecurities would go with him.  For her they did.  For Ross, it seems they’ve been festering, like a boil, waiting to be lanced.

“What do you mean Ross?”

“How far did your relationship progress?”

Now he was the firm one, standing his ground, waiting for an answer.  Ross could see she was ready for this discussion even if he was not. Demelza straightened her back and moved closer to him.

“Are you asking if  Hugh made love to me?”

“Yes,” Ross replied. 

He was not quite sure he was ready for the answer but took a step closer to her as well.  They now face to face, their breaths mingling in the cold January air.

“Then yes, he did.”

He was gutted.  He didn’t believe it could be true until she said it.  And even now he was disbelieving. Demelza saw his reaction but felt no sympathy, so she went on to explain.

“It was only once.  I didn’t plan it and didn’t chase after it, unlike you and Elizabeth. And also unlike your antic with Elizabeth, it made me love you more.”

Ross snorted out a laugh at her last statement.

“How could letting another man have you lead to loving me more, Demelza?”

His tone was harsh, bordering on cruel. Demelza was not intimidated.

“It made me see that what we had was so rich and full that sharing it with another human being, someone who did not have long to live, helped my love for you grow.  I came to see that by giving love, I appreciated the love I had even more.  You could not say that after your night with Elizabeth, could you? In fact, it took you a long while to decide it was me you loved, didn’t it?”

There was that challenge again. He was speechless.

“Ross,” she called, her voice low.

“Demelza, I can’t,” he said as he started to walk away.

“Can’t what? Look at me? Now you know how I felt those years ago.”

Now the tears came. She held them back no longer and let them flow down her cheeks.

“Why are we doing this today Ross? The day of our daughter’s burial?”

She again pulled the cloak closed around her and wept.  Ross stood apart not wanting to reach for her, but could not hold back. He came to her and gathered her in his arms, letting her tears fall on him.

“How Demelza? How did this happen? Help me to understand,” he said. 

Demelza pulled away from him to look into his eyes, her tears subsiding. For the first time, she saw the same hurt that she felt after his encounter with Elizabeth. It was never her intention to put him through that but if he did experience that kind of pain, perhaps he could comprehend how they came to be in this place.

“Let’s walk home Ross. People will be expecting us. It’s not right for our friends to host the reception for our daughter.”

She was again full of common sense and practicality.  She linked her arm through his and they started the trek home.  When they were out of the church grounds she turned to look at him.  Ross kept his gaze forward towards the path ahead.  Demelza didn’t make a move to change that because she knew Ross well enough that this detached stance would make whatever she said easier for him to hear.

“For months, almost a year, after you promised to treat me as a true wife, and partner you again started to leave me out.  With Hugh, it was the case of a young man, grateful to be alive…”

“Because I rescued him,” Ross interrupted as he looked down at her as they stood on the cliff overlooking the sea.

“Yes, Ross because of you.  He never forgot that. Nor did I.  But he spoke to me, Ross.  He asked my opinion.  He sent me letters and poems full of loving thoughts.  He worshiped me, so he said.  And held me up as the ideal woman, almost untouchable.”

She paused, her tears returning but gentler this time.  She made no move to wipe them away and for the first time, neither did he. She was disappointed but continued.

“The flattery was lovely Ross. I’d never been courted before.”

Ross knew this was the truth so of course, her head would be turned by such things.  In the past, he was worried about men like Sir Hugh Bodrugan and Malcolm McNeil.  Not seriously but just enough to be annoying. Never in his life did he think when he brought the young naval officer back from France that he would be the one to infiltrate his life and take his wife.

“Tell me Demelza, when did this friendship turn into something more?”

“Please know that I told Hugh we could be nothing more than friends. That the letters and poems needed to stop but he refused.  I had hoped…”

“What Demelza? What did you hope?”

Now they turned to face each other, his hands came to lie on her shoulders, gently rubbing them.

“I hoped that maybe you would say something to him.  Tell him to stay away. Fight for me,” she said.

Ross had no response for that.  He just searched her face and saw that she was disappointed that he hadn’t done something so simple as making it clear she was his wife and was not to be toyed with.

“I love you, Ross. I told Hugh this as well as that would never change.”

“Has it changed now Demelza?”

“No Ross,” she whispered.

“But something did change. Something must have happened to change the relationship between you,” he said.

“Yes.” 

Demelza bowed her head, suddenly shy.

“What is it Demelza? Tell me.”

Lifting her head she looked directly in his eyes.

“I had gotten the impression that you were taken with Elizabeth again. That maybe your lack of interest in me was due to that. Perhaps you were regretting not fighting George for her. Or maybe even wanting to see…”

“What?”

“Valentine.”

There it was said.  Finally, after almost three years, the other thing that lay between them was spoken.

“Why would you think that?”

Taking a breath, she explained.

“I saw you and Elizabeth.  In the cemetery. I could tell the conversation you were having had not been a pleasant one.  I also know you, Ross.  There’s part of you that keeps the notion that Valentine might be your son hidden.  I thought maybe you finally wanted to know the truth. And if he was, you’d want to be a part of his life. Somehow.”

Ross looked at his wife and felt like an idiot. Again.  Why did he insist on keeping simple things to himself when just speaking about them could avoid so much heartache?

“You gathered all that from a few moments of watching us?”

“And I saw you kiss her.”

Ross dropped his hands from her shoulders and took a step back. He saw the look of doubt and mistrust on her face and felt like there were again back three years to the night she almost left him. That too was a cold winter night. 

“Good Lord Demelza,” he started. “I’m so sorry you saw that. It meant nothing.  I was, in fact, telling Elizabeth goodbye.  And apologizing for what happened. Nothing more.”

Demelza glanced up at him unsure that she believed what he was saying.

“Then why didn’t you tell me?”

“I honestly didn’t think you’d understand. It was still a sore subject for us,” he offered.

“So you're keeping this to yourself, once again led to a misunderstanding.  Why do we keep hurting each other Ross?”

The quiet weeping turned to sobbing again.

“Demelza, don’t you know? It’s because we love each other too deeply and too hard. Everything is felt more.  You’re right. I should have told you when it happened. And I should have stopped Armitage when I saw him pursuing you.  I am so sorry my love.  But mostly, I’m sorry for doubting you and your love. I’ve wasted so much time that I could have had with you and Hannah.  For what it’s worth, I did love her Demelza.  I still do,”

Now he was the one crying and she pulled her arms out from underneath her cloak to bring him closer to her.  She held him as he cried, caressing his back and whispering in his ear.

“Do you know what I think?  I think that Hannah knew what she was born into. That there was something dark holding back true happiness for us and that is why she stopped fighting Ross. She didn’t want to be the reason we stayed distant.  It’s as if she knew her presence would lead to more strife and that by leaving us, she could bring us together.  And she has.”

He lifted his head and looked into his wife’s eyes. The coldness from earlier was gone and replaced with the love he had come to expect.

“Demelza how can you rationalize her death like that?”

“If I don’t, Ross I shall crumble and I have other children at home, perhaps more in the future.  And I have you.  I think about what is and what can be.  Don’t doubt that I loved Hannah with all my heart and being, just as I loved Julia.  And while they were with us they brought so much joy and love.  Now they are together. Julia isn’t alone anymore.”

“You amaze me Demelza.”

“I’m just grateful for what I have.  And what we did have.  We can’t ask for more than that now, can we Ross?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That wasn't so bad? Was it?
> 
> Thank you as always for reading and supporting.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ross and Demelza bare their souls to come to a final resolution about the betrayal in their marriage. 
> 
> Any one looking for apologies might be disappointed but I hope you'll keep reading.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I needed to wrap this up because I felt the need to bring them back to a beginning.

The gathering was small and quiet. Those assembled talking in low voices reflecting the solemnity of the occasion.  Ross and Demelza did their best to thank and socialize with the friends and family that had come to pay their respects on the loss of Hannah. Dwight most especially for he had been a constant throughout Demelza’s pregnancy, never being anything but a true friend.  Ross watched his wife smile and nod as people spoke to her, pretending to listen but knowing full well her mind was elsewhere. She held the glass of port he had poured for her delicately but didn’t drink. For himself, it was just the opposite, taking one glass of brandy after another and wishing more than anything that he could turn back time, and do things over again.   His thoughts went back years: from the death of Julia; to his trial; the news of Jeremy’s coming; his reconciliation with Francis and then his folly with his widow; the healing of the wounds that night caused; the birth of a second daughter and the rescue of Dwight which in turn brought  Lt. Armitage into their lives.  How much of what had occurred in their lives was his doing?  Looking back, his actions were more often than not, the reason something affected them.

Ross surveyed the crowd and now wished them gone so that he and Demelza could continue their conversation of before.  While she seemed settled and ready to move on, he was not.  Yes, she had confessed to betraying him with the young sailor but he still didn’t understand why.  He didn’t  want to believe that it was his last meeting with Elizabeth that could drive her to such an extreme and uncharacteristic act. She herself had told him that she left McNeil in a lurch right after his night with Elizabeth so why would she fall now?  What was it about Lt. Armitage, other than his being young and having a way with words that would cause Demelza to cross that boundary? He needed to know.  Not just so that they could clear the air but because with that act, he felt he didn’t know his wife anymore. She didn’t seem remorseful and that bothered him as well. After what he put her through and the pain he knew she felt, why would she do the same thing? Was it to spite him?  Make him feel the same thing as she did?

He walked to where Demelza now sat quietly by the spinet, her fingers grazing the keys.  Putting his hands on her shoulders he bent down to whisper in her ear.

“How are you holding up my love?”

Turning her head to look at him, she had a sad smile on her face and reached up to touch his hand.

“I’m fine Ross.  Just a little tired perhaps,” she said

“Do you want me to start asking people to leave? I’m sure they would understand,” he replied as he took a seat next to her.

“No Ross. We can’t do that. Everyone has been so kind and generous.  I would feel terrible if we did that.”

Her voice was shaky, clearly fighting the tears that threatened to come.

“Nonetheless, I will speak with Dwight who can slowly spread the word.  You need your rest. Technically you are still recovering from….”

Ross didn’t complete the thought but the message was clear.  She was still recovering from Hannah’s birth.  He rose to find Dwight but not before placing a gentle kiss on her head.  Demelza didn’t react; she just sat quietly, lost in her thoughts.  Walking around the house, Ross found Dwight in the kitchen with Caroline.  He pulled him aside and told him about Demelza.  Without needing details, the doctor enlisted both Caroline and Prudie’s help in getting the guests to depart.  They made sure to do this with as little disturbance as possible to the household.  Caroline and Dwight offered to take Clowance for the night while Sam and Drake took Jeremy.  Ross hadn’t told Demelza of his sending the children to others so they could be alone for he knew she would fight him. She would want them with her but he thought that they could both use one night alone without the interruption of children or chores so they could focus on themselves.

The last guest departed leaving just Dwight, Caroline and Demelza’s brothers all of whom were waiting to take the children.  Ross went into Demelza, who had not moved from the spinet to tell her what was going on. 

“My love?”

She turned around slowly revealing that she had been crying again. Ross pulled her up from the chair and into his embrace. Demelza said nothing but allowed herself to be cradled in his arms.  He held on to her tightly, his hands caressing her back as he spoke softly.

“Everyone has gone.  I’ve asked Dwight and Caroline to take Clowance for the night and Jeremy is going with your brothers.  I thought you could use one night with no distractions so you could rest.  But also I think we should spend some time together. There is still so much left to discuss.”

Demelza pulled back to look at her husband.  She knew that he meant well but she was not quite sure if she had it in her to continue talking about all they had done.  Today was a day of mourning. She didn’t know if bringing up Hugh, Elizabeth and all that had passed between was the best idea.  Demelza kept this thought to herself as she extracted herself from Ross’ embrace so that she could find her children and kiss them goodbye. 

Ross kept his eye on her as she hugged their friends and her brothers, and then knelt down to kiss both their children.

“Be good for Aunt Caroline and Uncle Dwight my sweet. Papa and I will come for you in the morning,” she said to Clowance. She then swiveled to Jeremy and repeated the same thing, giving him a hug.

With a final thank you to the adults, Demelza rose and rejoined Ross in the parlor.  She picked up the glass of port she abandoned earlier before taking a seat by the fire, her body weary. Seeing she was settled he then went out to his children and bid them goodbye and thanked everyone as well.  He then spoke to Prudie who was kind enough to offer to go and stay with the Martins for the night after she tidied up. This would leave them alone at Nampara for the first time in months, perhaps years. 

Ross entered the parlor, shutting the door behind him. Not knowing how this conversation or how the evening was going to pass, he didn’t want Prudie hearing anything while she was washing up.  Taking another glass of brandy, he took a seat next to Demelza but said nothing. Instead, he stared into the fire, the flames a blend of orange and gold, reminiscent of Demelza’s hair when the sun hit it.  He turned then to look at his wife.  Her head was lowered, her eyes downcast seemingly interested in the burgundy liquid in her glass rather than in him or anything else.  Ross was about to say something when he heard a knock on the door. Rising to go open it, Prudie entered to tell him she was done and on her way and would be back tomorrow.  Looking past her master to her mistress, she took up the end of her apron and dabbed her eyes, sadness again coming over the room.  Ross didn’t want her upsetting Demelza so he ushered her out and thanked her for all she’d done.  With that, Prudie scurried out of the house as Ross locked the door behind her. 

They were alone at last and Ross was suddenly nervous. What did he expect from this evening?  What did he hope to accomplish?  They had already admitted to betraying and hurting each other to no purpose.  Their daughter was dead, gone before her time, taking with her some of the joy that drove Demelza and leaving behind a father’s guilt.  His thoughts over her paternity would haunt Ross for a long time, perhaps forever. Minutes passed before he couldn’t take the silence any longer.  He wanted to have this out and, taking a page from his wife’s book, move on.  There was no easy way to broach the subject so he said what he’d wanted to say since the morning.

“Why did you do it Demelza? What did he give you that I didn’t?  Did you love him?” he blurted out.

Demelza raised her head, not quite believing that he would start this discussion again.  She was tired and sad and didn’t want to go over things that would do no good at this point. However, it seemed her husband had other ideas so perhaps today, the day of their daughter’s funeral was the day to bring everything out so that once and for all they could bury these issues as well.

“Perhaps I should ask you the same questions, Ross. Why did you sleep with Elizabeth?  Did she give you something that I didn’t? Do you love her?” she retorted. 

Her voice was steady despite the fact that all she wanted to do was cry.  Ross didn’t expect her to go on the attack at the start.  He thought the conversation would continue as it had that morning, but clearly, Demelza was no longer in the mood to discuss things calmly.

“It’s not the same thing. Besides, you know the answer to that.  I did love her,” Ross replied.

“Did you go to her that night thinking you still did?  And that you didn’t love me? Is that it?” she challenged. 

He paused and thought about it. Was she right?  Did he go to Elizabeth thinking that the love he had for her was stronger than the love he had for his wife?  And wasn’t he proven drastically wrong as soon as his body met Elizabeth’s?  Ross didn’t have a chance to answer because Demelza went on.

“When you were making love to Elizabeth, you told me I wasn’t a thought, so what was I?  Were you sorry it happened? I don’t think you were.  You wanted her for the entire period of our marriage and finally had her. It’s not my fault your experience was lacking.  Yet after you were done, you expected me to just take you back!  Which, because I love you and our family, I did.  I know that in the end, you said you came to see that it was a mistake.  But that was after you saw I could move on.  I wonder if you said that just because you thought I wanted to hear it.”

She was breathless after that and so downed her port, rising to get another.

“Why are you bringing all this up now?  It’s history Demelza.  We moved on from that. We made a new life.  Found new love. Why would you jeopardize that for someone you barely knew?” he asked.

Demelza put the stopper back in the decanter and spun around to look at Ross.

“Because the person I believed I truly did know seemed to forget I was still here.  He was so sure of me that once again thought I didn’t need to be a part of his life.  That I would be content just sitting home, being a mother and when convenient, his wife, usually in bed.  And it seemed to me that once again, even the slightest encounter with ‘history’ was enough to make him forget me,” she said.

“But I didn’t,” Ross corrected. 

“That’s not how I saw it, Ross. It was clear that you didn’t feel the need to talk to me. Again.  So why, if your meeting Elizabeth in the churchyard was nothing, why didn’t you tell me about it when it happened? Why keep it to yourself unless you were guilty of wanting her again?” 

She had calmed down slightly but still held a defiant stance in front of him.

“Damn it Demelza, I want no one but you!  I love only you! And what’s even more baffling is that even though this thing with Armitage has ripped me to the core, I still do!”

Having heard enough, Ross jumped up from the settle and crossed the room in one stride. He grabbed Demelza and kissed her. She was surprised and not wanting Ross to think a kiss could bring this an easy end, pushed him away.  She ran upstairs to their room and sat on the bed, sobbing. The emotions of the day, coupled with the resurrected feelings of Ross’s betrayal and now hers were too much to bear. She just wanted to sleep it away so that when she woke up, none of this actually happened and it will all have been a bad dream. Suddenly overcome with exhaustion, Demelza laid down, curled into herself and let the tears come.  She didn’t hear the door open or the footsteps of her husband until his weight dipped the mattress and his arms wrapped around her waist. She said nothing but let him hold her as she wept.

He brought his head to lay on the same pillow, careful to move her hair out of the way. With his mouth next to her ear, he spoke.

“I love you Demelza.  So much so that even this thing that happened between you and Armitage will not change that.  I just want to know why.  Was it entirely my fault?  Did you finally see an opportunity to get revenge on what I’d done? Please tell me.”

She didn’t turn around but clasped her hands over his, holding him in place. 

“This had nothing to do with you Ross. Well not totally.  Part of me did want you to feel the pain I felt but I never intended or worked towards making that happen. Hugh just became someone I grew to like.  We became friends as you well know. You watched as we grew close but clearly, it didn’t bother you.  As you went about your business with the mine and politics, Hugh was someone I could talk to.  He seemed so sad and that touched me.”

“So you took pity on him?”

“I suppose in a way you could say that.  He was sick Ross and would never have what we have.” 

“I told you once that pity was sometimes akin to love,” he said.  The thought that Demelza could have loved someone other than him cut through his soul. “So you decided to give yourself to him for that reason?”

“No!” she cried. As she turned her head to look him.   “It was not that simple.  You know that there was an attraction between us from the first time we truly met.  I saw it in your eyes, Ross.” 

“Yes. I could tell that he was taken with you Demelza, but I thought it was nothing. Just the usual infatuation men had for you.  That your beguiling and warm ways had worked on this sad young man.”

“It was nothing at first. I fought it.  I didn’t want to feel these things.  I loved you. I will always love you. Yet something in me said that I should allow myself to experience these feelings. To let myself know what being with someone else was like,” she said.

 Her explanation was simple without any kind of regret.  

“To punish me?” he asked quietly.

“No Ross. This was not about you.  In the end, Hugh’s caring and sweetness were what I needed at that moment.  I believed, truly believed you were taking up with Elizabeth again.  So I thought about myself for once and what I wanted.  I wanted to know the kiss of another man—not the fumbling assault tactics of what happened with Captain McNeil. But a real kiss, from someone who cared about me, to see if what I felt for them was different than what I felt for you.” 

Demelza paused as if remembering those times and comparing all incidents and their outcomes.  With McNeil it was rushed, awkward and she couldn’t wait to get out of the room.  With Ross, there was always heat, longing, and a flush of desire that came quickly but never ebbed.  His kisses were more than just a spark that led to love making. They were a coming home of sorts; always welcoming and safe. When she kissed Hugh she felt something totally different from both either of these.  It was exciting.  It was like taking a bite of a new food and not knowing what it would taste like or if you would like it.  It was treading into unknown territory that added to the basic want but in the end, there was nothing more than that.  Demelza knew she would not give of herself if she didn’t feel something for the other person but it was not the same feelings she had for her husband. That was unchanging and Ross knew that about her too.  What she didn’t expect was for the encounter to be so unimportant in the end. Her mind ran that idea around a few times after it happened which made the why and how clearer to her. Now to make Ross understand.

“And was it?”

“Was it what?” she asked, not hearing Ross the first time.

“Different?” he repeated.

“Yes. Very much so Ross.  Just as you told me about your feelings for Elizabeth being different than your love for me. Even your feelings for Caroline are different as you keep telling me.  What I felt for Hugh was nothing compared to my love for you. It wasn’t deep and all encompassing.  It was light and sweet and quickly a fond memory. I never intended for you to know what happened. After it was over, I put it away and didn’t intend to think about it again.”

“And what of the love making Demelza?” 

Ross hesitated to speak of this because even though he had told her his experience with Elizabeth was less than he expected, he somehow didn’t think it would be the case with her. He waited for her response both curious and dreading it at the same time.

“The same Ross.  It was pleasant and basically no different physically than….”

“Than making love with me?”

Demelza turned her body so she could look at him now, her eyes filled with unshed tears.

“In a way. But the love was different than when we are together.  I didn’t feel as though he was a part of me. When our bodies come together, so too do our souls. This is what I feel with you. Even after all these years Ross, even after the hurt and misunderstanding; the jealousy and stubbornness, when we join together in this bed, we become one.  There is no you or I. Only we.”

He knew what she meant because that was exactly what he felt when he was with Elizabeth.  The real love, the emotional and mental love that bound them to each other,  was not there.  There was release in the physical act only; it satisfied the body but not the soul. 

“I see. So it was his poems and letters that made you give in to him, Demelza?  Things that I could not or would not be able to provide?”

“In a way, but there was a physical need as well Ross.  Perhaps it was just wanting to give him something. That seemed to be the reason more than anything else.  As I told you before, I thought that by sharing the love I had in me, love that has grown from being with you, that maybe I could give him some kind of happiness and satisfaction before he….”

“Before he died?”

“Yes.  And that was all it was. There was never any question in my mind that what happened would stay isolated in that cave never to come out and be spoken of or thought of again.  That was until I found out I was with child and then the fear that my attempt to give someone else happiness would ruin my own.”

She sat up and rose from the bed to walk around.  Going to her dressing table Demelza sat down and looked at herself in the mirror. She was far from vain but as she looked at her face now she thought she had aged years in just the span of a few months. The light that was in her eyes before Hugh’s death seemed to dim.  Her skin appeared dull; it did not have the glow that so often appeared when she smiled.  The luster of her fiery red locks also seemed less bright.  Was she just getting older or was it a result of all she had gone through?  She sat quietly, staring in the mirror while Ross looked at her from his place on the bed.

“Demelza, I thought you knew from the start that Hannah was our child.  That’s what Dwight told me,” Ross said.

She turned to look at him then wondering what else he had discussed with their doctor friend.

“So you and Dwight discussed my adulterous, less than ladylike, behavior?  Well, that’s nice to know. And yet you couldn’t come to me with your fears or questions?  That doesn’t say much for our marriage Ross.”

“Demelza….”                                                                                                       

“How does it feel Ross? To know that what everyone said about me, that I was just a common scullery maid, was true. Yet the same behavior displayed by a gentleman is accepted.  What did Dwight tell you exactly?”

She was fighting tears again. This time not out of grief but frustration and anger. Anger that what she had done was no longer private but apparently fodder for gossip.

“Demelza, Dwight only told me of your fears as to when Hannah was due to be born.  And that he told you that Hugh could not have fathered her.  Nothing more.  There was no judgment in him.  You have to believe that.”

Her body relaxed at the table as she turned back to face the mirror, her eyes closing, her hands clasped in front of her. 

“I do. I know that Dwight would never think of me that way.  And what of you Ross? Do you judge me?”

“Do I have any right to do so?”

Ross swung his legs over the side of the bed, hands on his knees and looked at her, suddenly feeling extreme remorse.  He wanted to go to his wife so that she could lean on him but knew he could not. There was a new breach between them. This one based not on what they’d done but rather what they hadn’t done. And that was to talk to each other.  Demelza didn’t turn to face him but spoke to her reflection

“Actually Ross, I don’t think either of us is in a position to judge the other,” she said slowly. 

Rising from the table she returned to the bed and sat next to him.  Taking his hand in hers, she held it loosely; the need to feel physically connected to him extremely strong, as they worked their way through this maze of emotions.  His statement about not having any right to judge her was the first time he acknowledged that what had happened with Elizabeth was wrong. 

“I think you’re right Demelza,” he said.  “My behavior the night I went to Elizabeth was irreprehensible.  I should not have pushed you aside to go to her on the deluded thought that I could stop her from marrying George.”

“I agree,” she said.

Ross turned to glance at her face and recognized a new kind of hurt.  He knew what that hurt was because he felt the same thing during the months Hugh was in their lives.  It was the pain of feeling that the one you love could stop loving you in an instant; without provocation, just on a notion.

“I think I hated you more at that moment than when you returned the next day Ross.  Because in those few seconds, I felt like I was worthless to you.  That I didn’t matter, that our life together meant nothing and that, for lack of a better term, I was easily dismissed.”

He didn’t have an answer for that.  She was right.  At that instant, as he read Elizabeth’s letter, all he saw was his old love tied to his enemy. Demelza was not a concern.

“You might be right, Demelza.  In my rage, I didn’t see anything or anyone else,” he said.  He turned his body towards her. “My focus was on her.”

“Just as my focus, that day on the beach, was Hugh.  However, I never put aside that you were my husband. I just put aside that I was a wife.”

Demelza stared at him, hoping he would see what she meant.  She wasn’t sure she was making any sense at this point. She was so tired.  Her body felt spent.  Her spirit was gone as was her fight.  Extracting her hand from his, she moved to undo her dress and corset.  She felt constricted and wanted to be able to take a deep breath and let everything out.  Her fingers moved slowly over the fasteners until Ross reached over and covered her hand with his.

“Ross, don’t….” she started to say.

“Do you not want me to touch you anymore?  Have we ruined everything between us?  Has everything we have experienced both good and bad, meant nothing?”

Now he was the one with the shaky voice as a tear slipped down his cheek. Demelza’s gaze never left his face and her hand itched to reach out and wipe away that tear.  Instead, she sat still and let him start to undress her.  For a fleeting moment, her mind went back to that beach and another set of hands on her body, but she closed her eyes and willed that vision away.  Opening them again, she watched her husband as he tentatively worked his way down her dress.  When he reached the last hook, she stood and slipped the dress off, letting it drop to the floor.  Ross bent down, picked it up and took it to the wardrobe to hang.

“Thank you,” she said quietly.  Ross walked back to where she stood, needing to touch her again. He took a hold of her arms and held her in place while he spoke.

“There is nothing to thank me for, Demelza,” he said.

They remained frozen, not quite sure what to do next. Demelza was still in her corset so she moved to unlace it. Ross didn’t offer to help but watched as his wife pulled the cord through the grommets, allowing the garment to fall open, revealing her shift.  He moved his hands from her arms as she slipped it off and laid it on the bed. Ross could not help himself as his hands automatically moved back to touch her. Demelza held her breath expecting him to try something intimate that she was not ready for.  Instead, in a surprising move, he turned her around and untied her petticoat so that it fell, leaving her in her shift.

He then turned her back around to face him which is when he saw her eyes shimmering with moisture.

“Will we get past this Ross?  Can we forgive each other?” she asked.

“We have to Demelza,” he said.  Taking her hand, he led her back to the bed, pulled back the covers and laid her down.

“You sound so sure.  We’ve both done things that have hurt the other to the core.  We’ve both admitted to thinking of and being with other people.  How can we forget that?” she asked. 

Her hair spread out on the pillow as Ross tucked her in bringing the covers up to her chest.  When she seemed settled, he sat down next to her, his hand on her knee.

“That’s just it, my love. We shouldn’t forget what’s happened.”

“I don’t understand.  If we don’t forget, it will always be with us.”

“Maybe it should.  Maybe it should be a reminder of what we could lose.  I’m not saying that we should talk about it, or use it against each other when things go amiss.  I just mean that when we get, complacent in our relationship, we should remind ourselves that once before we let others interfere and almost divide us forever,” he explained.

Demelza sat up, letting him take her hand and thread them together. She searched his face, sure that she would find some cynicism or bitterness there.  There was nothing. His eyes were warm, crinkling when he smiled, bringing out his scar.

“You make it sound so simple, Ross.  After all the pain, the misunderstanding, the…breaking….of our vows….you believe we could put that behind us?” she said softly. 

While she spoke, Ross grasped her hand and held it tightly, his finger brushing the gold band he put on her ten years before, symbolically sealing them again.

“Yes my love I do,” he stated.

“Why?” she asked

Ross could see that she doubted him which made him smile more.  Never in all their married life had he been the voice of reason; that was her trait.

“It’s simple Demelza. Don’t you know? You’re the sensible one in this marriage,” he said.

“Perhaps I’ve lost that when I tried to find another part of me.  Perhaps I can’t make sense of anything anymore,” she whispered.

“Then I will clarify for you.  We can get past this because of one thing.  Love.  I love you Demelza,” Ross said.

She was openly weeping now.

“And you?  Do you still love me?” he asked.

Demelza raised her head as she nodded, her cheeks streaked with tears.

“More than anything.  I do love you, Ross.  I told you that had never changed.”

Ross pulled her closer so that he could take her face in his hands.

“Well then that is all we need now, isn’t it?” he said, smiling at her.

She tilted her head up and Ross did the only thing that he could.  He kissed her. It was the first step in forgiving the past and forging the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know some wanted more pain and suffering for Ross but I think I've given him and Demelza enough in this story to last a lifetime.
> 
> Updates to "Nothing" and "Rockaway" will be coming.

**Author's Note:**

> I know this goes against most Ross/Demelza fans as well as lovers of the original works, but the plot gremlin would not go away.
> 
> I'm ready for pitchforks and torches, hate messages and anything else that might come my way because of the characters. 
> 
> Thanks to all who read, comment and support my work--even if it's not their favorite topic.


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